Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I've lived, we have...I feel


I've lived....

...in Harlem in a 5 story walk up with no heat and no AC in the middle of a scorching ny summer (with 3 cats, 2 octopi and 5 goldfish)
...in Rome - off a tiny stipend of about $10 a day for a year and a half.
... on a couch for over 5 months without a private space of my own.
I've been homeless - carting all of my worldly posessions in black garbage bags.
I've thrown out most of the things I've collected throughout my life due to lack of space.
I've eaten cat food to try and survive.
I've held the most menial depressing jobs to make extra cash.
I still wear clothes my mother bought me in High School.
(How's my violin sounding?)

Operation Night Brace is a piece of cake compared to many of these situations!

We have:
a clean room
a washer/drying in the apt
a constantly stocked fridge
a private bathroom
a terrace
a comfy bed
a bike room...

...and most importantly...lots of love

I am prepared to see ONB through till the bitter end but the reasons I struggle are as follows:

I feel:
...endlessly guilty - Gareth has given up 'everything' (his flat, his savings, tea-chinos (sp?), a cool neighborhood (the list goes on and on)
...endlessly indebted (How can I possibly ever show Gareth enough appreciation for everything he's done and continues to do?)

So, just to clarify, my reasons for wobbles, if any, have nothing to do with being poor, even n $20 a day I feel pretty rich. I struggle with the emotional 'side effects' of what we are doing and I'm terrified that the result will leave an unhealthy scar on both of us. One in which I am forever guilty - I think that is my biggest fear with the 'extension of ONB'.


Vegas 2008 said...

I've never responded to a blog but your post today (Amy) has prompted my first ever comment!

I found your blog through Hannah's blog and have been reading it for about a month now. I look forward to your daily postings! I think that you sound like a fab, fun couple and you should be proud not only of what you're doing but of your relationship with each other.

Amy, I think it's only natural for you to feel guilty, however, I bet if you ask Gareth what he's getting in return from you I bet his response would be something that money can't buy, ever. Just take the cash and 'everything' he has given up out of the equation and see what you're left with. A fantastic relationship between two fun, quirky people who obviously love each other very much and would do anything for each other. That's the way you both come across in your blog to me.

It's not about possessions. You can always have more possessions, live in the fab place again etc. but will you ever find 'the one' again? Surely that's worth giving 'stuff' up for?

Leave the guilt behind and enjoy your relationship :)

Vanessa (Sheffield, UK)

Vegas 2008 said...

PS. Please ignore my blog! My Husband and I and 2 other friends are a bit obsessed with going to Vegas and we use it to share general excitement and plan our trips! Lol.

I've NEVER shared it with anyone, but you'll obviously see it as I had to sign in with my Blogger id to leave a comment.

Gareth & Amy said...

Thank you so much for your 'first ever comment' - it was ridiculously nice to read this morning, so so so touching - really, thank you :)